A Teenager? and being sick

I am sorry but I dont have much to say tonight.. I am sick and feel pretty bad.

But - my son turns 13 tomorrow... wow!! I am old enough to have a teenager. It causes some reflection, for sure. Of course I dont know if my Master will like that cause its more thinking :)

Anyway, I hope you feel well and have a good day/night.

What I have learned thus far...

Well, my Master mentioned I could write about what I have learned so far (in response to me asking him what he wanted to hear about). This requires quite a bit of thought actually....

I cant say I have learned how to listen and follow orders. I knew how to do that before and when I agreed to be a submissive, I knew I didnt have to worry about that part. I am very good and comfortable at following what others say - which is why I had been working on thinking for myself and following my own path instead of just blindly following someone else. In any case, I have not followed directions a few times, but not on purpose, just out of neglect. For instance, this past week has been helll with my daughter and it has literaly put me through the ringer mentally and emotionally (not to mention physically because of both of those reasons). He was kind enough not to punish me because of my insolent behaviour, rather be understanding of the situation. But in this case, I didnt do what I was told to do because of the circumstances I was in, not because I didnt want to.

I can say that I have learned/am learning about my decision making better. I feel better about things I hadnt thought of before in regards to decision on little things that dont seem as important. For instance, when I am in a conversation and someone says to do something that I think sounds right, I will try it out. Before I just figured I would going with the flow, but now I realize I am making a decision to do what they are saying. In that way, I have learned I have control of my decision if I want to. That is something I hadnt thought of in that way before. It seemed small, but I dont think it is anymore. (Dont get me wrong, it isnt huge either.)

Lets see.. other things I have learned... ummmm....

ummm....

I have learned a little bit more about controlling myself in a situation. I am a very emotional person. When little things bother me, they add up and I can explode over something that is fairly minor - and all of the angst and frustrations and such that have built up just burst out. My daughter is like that too. (the following is my opinion only) In tempering myself to be a submissive, I need to not react in an emotional way. Therefore, to be a slave to my Master, I have to find a way of keeping that bottled in until I am allowed to release it. I am not saying I am anywhere close to that - but I can see a difference a little.

More.. ummm.....

ummm...

umm....

I am not sure .. I will have to think more about this and post more later. It is something that I would like to say more on, but I just dont know what to say or what I have learned really. That sounds bad, and I hope my Master doesnt feel bad over it. I just am not sure what else there is to say on the top of my head. I will make an effort though to think about it and post more at a later day.

If you dont love yourself, you wont let anyone else

I had posted recently that I am not happy. I dont think I explained why I want to be happy. It seems like an obvious answer, who doesnt want to be happy? There is something specific part of why that I think about - if I dont love myself, I am not going to let anyone else love me.

I know that doesnt seem to be related, but in my mind it is - so let me explain.

If I dont love myself, I am not happy.

However, if I am happy and doing things that make me happy, I am doing things that I enjoy. I am the type that I dont do things half-assed (especially when I am enjoying it) so I will be building myself up, mentally, at the same time.

I realize that my happiness doesnt guarantee I am going to like myself; and just because I like myself doesnt mean I will be happy. But I see a definite correlation between the two as of now. I am not sure about when I master one of these issues the correlation will still be there - but for now it is.

Anyway, I just thought I would explain a little of the "why" behind the desire.

Lifestyle thoughts

My Master wanted me to talk about the lifestyle of a D/s more. I am not sure what to say - so I thought I would just babble a little. Maybe one of these things will spark his interest and he can let me know what he wants more discussions on.

Regarding the sexual side of things, it is hard to know because we live so far from each other. On the same note, though, you do what you are told. Whether you like it or not, you just do the act you are told to do. Since sex is a series of actions, I dont think that is all that hard - but I havent experienced it yet.

Regarding punishment, again it is a little difficult. There were several days that I didnt post on this board and aas punishment I had to write my Master an email stating I would follow his directions. He hasnt really done anything else as far as punishment, so I cant go into detail here. I also try not to give him a reason to - after all that is what you are supposed to do as a slave, do whatever you are told.

Because this contract is only effective while we are talking together, it doesnt actually influence my life much. That is why I probably dont know what to say about this topic. Maybe he will have an idea of what he wants explained though.

Nothing to say .. ME?

Well... I dont know what to say, but I did think of a little something to share about myself. The reason I put the title the way it is my parents had a cute nickname for me when I was younger. I have since passed it on to my middle child - she can talk your ear off about something. The nickname was: Motor-Mouth. I dont know what was so interesting, just was I guess. Anyway, I will talk to you tomorrow!