I had posted recently that I am not happy. I dont think I explained why I want to be happy. It seems like an obvious answer, who doesnt want to be happy? There is something specific part of why that I think about - if I dont love myself, I am not going to let anyone else love me.
I know that doesnt seem to be related, but in my mind it is - so let me explain.
If I dont love myself, I am not happy.
However, if I am happy and doing things that make me happy, I am doing things that I enjoy. I am the type that I dont do things half-assed (especially when I am enjoying it) so I will be building myself up, mentally, at the same time.
I realize that my happiness doesnt guarantee I am going to like myself; and just because I like myself doesnt mean I will be happy. But I see a definite correlation between the two as of now. I am not sure about when I master one of these issues the correlation will still be there - but for now it is.
Anyway, I just thought I would explain a little of the "why" behind the desire.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Lifestyle thoughts
My Master wanted me to talk about the lifestyle of a D/s more. I am not sure what to say - so I thought I would just babble a little. Maybe one of these things will spark his interest and he can let me know what he wants more discussions on.
Regarding the sexual side of things, it is hard to know because we live so far from each other. On the same note, though, you do what you are told. Whether you like it or not, you just do the act you are told to do. Since sex is a series of actions, I dont think that is all that hard - but I havent experienced it yet.
Regarding punishment, again it is a little difficult. There were several days that I didnt post on this board and aas punishment I had to write my Master an email stating I would follow his directions. He hasnt really done anything else as far as punishment, so I cant go into detail here. I also try not to give him a reason to - after all that is what you are supposed to do as a slave, do whatever you are told.
Because this contract is only effective while we are talking together, it doesnt actually influence my life much. That is why I probably dont know what to say about this topic. Maybe he will have an idea of what he wants explained though.
Regarding the sexual side of things, it is hard to know because we live so far from each other. On the same note, though, you do what you are told. Whether you like it or not, you just do the act you are told to do. Since sex is a series of actions, I dont think that is all that hard - but I havent experienced it yet.
Regarding punishment, again it is a little difficult. There were several days that I didnt post on this board and aas punishment I had to write my Master an email stating I would follow his directions. He hasnt really done anything else as far as punishment, so I cant go into detail here. I also try not to give him a reason to - after all that is what you are supposed to do as a slave, do whatever you are told.
Because this contract is only effective while we are talking together, it doesnt actually influence my life much. That is why I probably dont know what to say about this topic. Maybe he will have an idea of what he wants explained though.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Nothing to say .. ME?
Well... I dont know what to say, but I did think of a little something to share about myself. The reason I put the title the way it is my parents had a cute nickname for me when I was younger. I have since passed it on to my middle child - she can talk your ear off about something. The nickname was: Motor-Mouth. I dont know what was so interesting, just was I guess. Anyway, I will talk to you tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I have a friend !!
I have been slowly and surely getting more and more positive. I was thinking about why yesterday and I think I discovered that I think its because I have a friend! It takes a LOT for me to call someone a friend. I know I am a needy, emotionally unstable person and I didnt want to subject myself as a "friend" to many people.
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friendly acquaintences, but not many friends. I think there is a distinct difference between a friend (someone you let in) and an acquaintence (someone you dont let in). I can smile and fake being happy to acquaintences. Mots of the time I do that and they dont know the difference; however, a friend would. I also feel guilty about holding back information from a friend; whereas I dont from an acquaintence (well I try to not at least).
This friend and I talk about quite a bit - nothing deep and heavy yet, but I can tell that I would feel comfortable if it ever came up. Also, something that I like a lot is - he is positive and animated! There are people I am close to that arent animated at all and that drives me nuts! How can you not look and/or sound excited when you are? How can you look/sound the same when you are average and when you are happy or glad? It is a forgeign concept to me because I am an animated person too. Anyway, my point is that it is nice to talk to someone and hear the joy in his voice when he talks about what makes him happy.
One day I will find a female to be friends with too - so that I can have someone to vent and get stuff out without having to worry about someone taking it personally, or not being able to handle it. One day.... :) :)
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friendly acquaintences, but not many friends. I think there is a distinct difference between a friend (someone you let in) and an acquaintence (someone you dont let in). I can smile and fake being happy to acquaintences. Mots of the time I do that and they dont know the difference; however, a friend would. I also feel guilty about holding back information from a friend; whereas I dont from an acquaintence (well I try to not at least).
This friend and I talk about quite a bit - nothing deep and heavy yet, but I can tell that I would feel comfortable if it ever came up. Also, something that I like a lot is - he is positive and animated! There are people I am close to that arent animated at all and that drives me nuts! How can you not look and/or sound excited when you are? How can you look/sound the same when you are average and when you are happy or glad? It is a forgeign concept to me because I am an animated person too. Anyway, my point is that it is nice to talk to someone and hear the joy in his voice when he talks about what makes him happy.
One day I will find a female to be friends with too - so that I can have someone to vent and get stuff out without having to worry about someone taking it personally, or not being able to handle it. One day.... :) :)
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Loyalty Smoyalty
I almost started this journal entry with the question "Is there such a thing as too loyal?" I know the answer though - definitely yes. There are many times in my life that I thought I should be loyal to someone or something more than I really should have been (from what others told me at the time). For instance, I have had jobs I stayed at longer than I was told I should have by my parents, but I felt I owed them for giving me a job and should stay loyal.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the way things have turned out. I just feel, sometimes, that I need to be more loyal to myself and my family than to what I perceive for my friends, relationships, jobs, etc.
Take for instance now. I am having a hard time thinking about myself leaving my current job. I enjoy it and am doing what I like doing. I am supposed to move in June, and it more than likely wont be a possibility to telecommute. We will see how it all plays out - I know that change is good and that there could be a better possibility out there for me! I just know I will have that to deal with when its time.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the way things have turned out. I just feel, sometimes, that I need to be more loyal to myself and my family than to what I perceive for my friends, relationships, jobs, etc.
Take for instance now. I am having a hard time thinking about myself leaving my current job. I enjoy it and am doing what I like doing. I am supposed to move in June, and it more than likely wont be a possibility to telecommute. We will see how it all plays out - I know that change is good and that there could be a better possibility out there for me! I just know I will have that to deal with when its time.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Too Emotional To Control?
Is there such thing as too emotional to control? I am proud of my ups and downs - when I am up there is no stopping me and everyone around me is affected in a positive way. But, I do know that I can be a lot to handle when my emotions get the best of me. I think I need to look at how to control my emotions better.
Well, I have searched for books on the topic and nothing in our local library is going to help. So, I can work on this - for me - in a way that suits me best. Maybe if I take notes I can write the book to help someone else? Ok, just a teaser.
I do have a mantra that I need to work on to make more of a habit to repeat to myself when needed: Cool, Calm, Collected
I would like to say I came up with it on my own. I did in my mind, however, I have learned that it was said before my time. Therefore, I think it was told to me when I was very young, but I picked up on it and "thought" it up later. Either way, it is something that does work for me - I just have to make it work more often.
Also - (this will be another topic later, but I can mention it here) - I need to work on how to stop myself from going over something again and again and again and again.... well you get the idea. I tend to repeat converations, experiences, or even made up stuff that I am trying to be prepared for in my head over and over and over. It is hard to break the cycle and that agitates my emotions when it isnt joyous. A friend of mine also has this problem and he says "I lost interest" and continues on with whatever else. It is a technique that works for him, but I dont want to be so dismissive of others. Maybe I can do that to a lesser extent and not alienate people?
Well, I have searched for books on the topic and nothing in our local library is going to help. So, I can work on this - for me - in a way that suits me best. Maybe if I take notes I can write the book to help someone else? Ok, just a teaser.
I do have a mantra that I need to work on to make more of a habit to repeat to myself when needed: Cool, Calm, Collected
I would like to say I came up with it on my own. I did in my mind, however, I have learned that it was said before my time. Therefore, I think it was told to me when I was very young, but I picked up on it and "thought" it up later. Either way, it is something that does work for me - I just have to make it work more often.
Also - (this will be another topic later, but I can mention it here) - I need to work on how to stop myself from going over something again and again and again and again.... well you get the idea. I tend to repeat converations, experiences, or even made up stuff that I am trying to be prepared for in my head over and over and over. It is hard to break the cycle and that agitates my emotions when it isnt joyous. A friend of mine also has this problem and he says "I lost interest" and continues on with whatever else. It is a technique that works for him, but I dont want to be so dismissive of others. Maybe I can do that to a lesser extent and not alienate people?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
A Red Carnation Corsage from Dad
I remember many many years ago (actually about 16 years ago), my father gave me a red carnation for Valentine's Day. It was a great thing to have gotten. I enjoy the memory of it to this day. He showed up at my work and pinned a red corsage on me. That was one of the first things I received on Valentine's Day. I know he will never read this - but thank you dad!!
Over the years, I havent gotten much on Valentine's Day - mostly I have been single for them, but even when I wasnt it seems I dont get much. I am not into the hype that you have to go way out of your way to impress someone on that 1 day - but a little something would be nice.
I also think part of the reason for me not remembering much happening on Valentine's Day is my happiness level. When I was younger, I remember much more of the good times than the bad. I know that now, I still forget a lot of the bad or unhappy times (which makes it hard to give examples when I am arguing with someone/anyone), but I do remember more than I used to. That is also one of the reasons I want to be a bit happier more often.
This weekend we are going to my parents house (well on Saturday and coming back home the same day). My mother promised my oldest daughter that if she read the first Spiderwick Chronicles book, we would see the movie. That was a great success because now she doesnt want to read anything else! Anyway, I will stay at home with my youngest and babysit while everyone else gets to go to the movies. During that time, I am going to make a list of things that make me happy. The list will include things that I like doing now and things that I would like to try which hopefully will make me happy. Then, I can make a list of things I can do (action steps) to help me do those things more. I will make sure to post both lists (at least the brief version) for you this weekend!
Over the years, I havent gotten much on Valentine's Day - mostly I have been single for them, but even when I wasnt it seems I dont get much. I am not into the hype that you have to go way out of your way to impress someone on that 1 day - but a little something would be nice.
I also think part of the reason for me not remembering much happening on Valentine's Day is my happiness level. When I was younger, I remember much more of the good times than the bad. I know that now, I still forget a lot of the bad or unhappy times (which makes it hard to give examples when I am arguing with someone/anyone), but I do remember more than I used to. That is also one of the reasons I want to be a bit happier more often.
This weekend we are going to my parents house (well on Saturday and coming back home the same day). My mother promised my oldest daughter that if she read the first Spiderwick Chronicles book, we would see the movie. That was a great success because now she doesnt want to read anything else! Anyway, I will stay at home with my youngest and babysit while everyone else gets to go to the movies. During that time, I am going to make a list of things that make me happy. The list will include things that I like doing now and things that I would like to try which hopefully will make me happy. Then, I can make a list of things I can do (action steps) to help me do those things more. I will make sure to post both lists (at least the brief version) for you this weekend!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Proving myself...
Sometimes the thought of moving to a new place is very exciting... people dont know you; you can start over with something if you want to; etc. Other times, I think of having to prove yourself to new people a little daunting.
Usually I think of telling people (not starting a conversation, but seeing an opening and expressing myself) of what I can do, what I know, etc. I realize though, the best way is just to put your head down and do it. Then they will see and (maybe - possibly - hopefully) see.
I am thinking and talking mostly about work. (Yes, a switch of topics from the relationship - felt it was time to take a break from talking about the D/s thing for a moment.)
I will admit that I am a little competitive when it comes to what I can do. I want to be able to help everyone - and sometimes that is not what I should be doing. Instead - I should be just doing what is needed and proving myself.
Well - to be honest I am a little preoccupied, and I dont remember where the rest of this thought process was headed. Therefore, I am going to wrap it up and I will edit it later if I remember :) :)
Usually I think of telling people (not starting a conversation, but seeing an opening and expressing myself) of what I can do, what I know, etc. I realize though, the best way is just to put your head down and do it. Then they will see and (maybe - possibly - hopefully) see.
I am thinking and talking mostly about work. (Yes, a switch of topics from the relationship - felt it was time to take a break from talking about the D/s thing for a moment.)
I will admit that I am a little competitive when it comes to what I can do. I want to be able to help everyone - and sometimes that is not what I should be doing. Instead - I should be just doing what is needed and proving myself.
Well - to be honest I am a little preoccupied, and I dont remember where the rest of this thought process was headed. Therefore, I am going to wrap it up and I will edit it later if I remember :) :)
Monday, February 11, 2008
WANTED: Happiness
What makes you happy? How many of us can answer that question? Not me - not right now.
I received one of my greatest compliments when I was a teen-ager. Someone told me I was "eternally happy". They didnt mean it in a bad way, or as a compliment really, but the more I have thought about it over and over since then, I have decided it was. As a teen-ager, I was a bubbly energy spring who always smiled.
What is so different about me now?
I have 3 kids now - I know that I stopped doing what makes me happy when I gave birth to the first. I also know it has been a gradual thing, not an immediate stop of knowing what things I like. Over time though, I have just not done things I like and therefore have forgotten what kind of things I like doing, seeing, or experiencing. I chuckle when people ask if I want to go out and do something (bowling, shopping, etc). Each time, I have to do a mental check, "Do I like bowling?"
So - I am trying to find out what makes me happy! My Master says it should be him. He says I shouldnt need other things to make me happy. I understand that concept - I am his slave and therefore he should be my world. However, he has said he doesnt want me to not think on my own, or have my own ideas - wouldnt you think that applies to interests, hobbies, etc as well?
I am hoping that if I find more of what I like doing, my overall outlook will be a bit more positive than it has been in the last few years. I enjoy looking at the bright side of everything and smiling all the time. I want to get that back (yes, I guess that means rekindle my youth - but I dont feel that old!). I have to make sure, though, that my Master is ok with any activity or interest I have so that he allows me to do it.
P.S. I dont really like shopping :)
I received one of my greatest compliments when I was a teen-ager. Someone told me I was "eternally happy". They didnt mean it in a bad way, or as a compliment really, but the more I have thought about it over and over since then, I have decided it was. As a teen-ager, I was a bubbly energy spring who always smiled.
What is so different about me now?
I have 3 kids now - I know that I stopped doing what makes me happy when I gave birth to the first. I also know it has been a gradual thing, not an immediate stop of knowing what things I like. Over time though, I have just not done things I like and therefore have forgotten what kind of things I like doing, seeing, or experiencing. I chuckle when people ask if I want to go out and do something (bowling, shopping, etc). Each time, I have to do a mental check, "Do I like bowling?"
So - I am trying to find out what makes me happy! My Master says it should be him. He says I shouldnt need other things to make me happy. I understand that concept - I am his slave and therefore he should be my world. However, he has said he doesnt want me to not think on my own, or have my own ideas - wouldnt you think that applies to interests, hobbies, etc as well?
I am hoping that if I find more of what I like doing, my overall outlook will be a bit more positive than it has been in the last few years. I enjoy looking at the bright side of everything and smiling all the time. I want to get that back (yes, I guess that means rekindle my youth - but I dont feel that old!). I have to make sure, though, that my Master is ok with any activity or interest I have so that he allows me to do it.
P.S. I dont really like shopping :)
Sunday, February 10, 2008
No Feelings leads to... uncertainty?
I am not sure how to explain this topic - so I will just do so as best as I can. I dont actually FEEL anything in regards to love, rather, I experience thoughts. For instance, when my son walked across the stage at kindergarten and 5th grade graduation I am sure many parents felt proud and felt the love they had for their child - I "felt" nothing. When my oldest daughter gets excited over a wonderful cartwheel or laughs until she cries when I am tickling her - I "feel" nothing. When my youngest daughter asks me "gin" (translation: again) when I am singing to her or kissing her rapidly under her chin to make her laugh - I "feel" nothing.
Now, there is no doubt that I love my children - but I dont have any physical feelings to relate to any of these and countless other moments. No tug of the heart strings, no feeling of my heart beating faster, etc. The same goes for my parents. I love my parents with everything about me - but "feel" nothing in regards to my love for them. I dont think there is anything wrong with me - but it makes me wonder: why?
My Master and I are in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship as well. We live 3 states away from each other at the moment. Without a feeling of some kind, doubt tends to fester and make me uncertain. Amid all of this uncertainty, I made a great revelation. I shouldnt stay as sheltered as I have been. I have thought many times about the fact that if we dont work out in our relationship, the kids will get hurt. My revelation centered around that point most of all. You see - if I dont take a chance, I will be teaching the kids to keep yourself guarded when you have a chance at love and/or happiness. I think that would be worse then helping them learn to deal with being hurt (if it ever comes).
Therefore, I still have doubts from time to time about whether or not I should move; whether I should trust my Master in terms of our relationship; or whether I should go for it. Each time though, I can remind myself that I would rather teach my children to go for the joy they want in life - rather than stay couped up and safe.
Now, there is no doubt that I love my children - but I dont have any physical feelings to relate to any of these and countless other moments. No tug of the heart strings, no feeling of my heart beating faster, etc. The same goes for my parents. I love my parents with everything about me - but "feel" nothing in regards to my love for them. I dont think there is anything wrong with me - but it makes me wonder: why?
My Master and I are in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship as well. We live 3 states away from each other at the moment. Without a feeling of some kind, doubt tends to fester and make me uncertain. Amid all of this uncertainty, I made a great revelation. I shouldnt stay as sheltered as I have been. I have thought many times about the fact that if we dont work out in our relationship, the kids will get hurt. My revelation centered around that point most of all. You see - if I dont take a chance, I will be teaching the kids to keep yourself guarded when you have a chance at love and/or happiness. I think that would be worse then helping them learn to deal with being hurt (if it ever comes).
Therefore, I still have doubts from time to time about whether or not I should move; whether I should trust my Master in terms of our relationship; or whether I should go for it. Each time though, I can remind myself that I would rather teach my children to go for the joy they want in life - rather than stay couped up and safe.
Difference between HAVE to and WANT to
Have you ever gotten to the point where you recognize the attitude difference if you have to do something versus you want to do something? I have always said I dont want to NEED someone, but I do WANT someone. I know it can be a fine line, but for me there is a definite distinction. This contract started in early January. Since then I have noticed that there are things I dont like doing anymore because I now HAVE to do them.
For instance: I need to lose weight. I know my self-esteem is lacking partly because of my weight and my lackadasical way of not doing anything about it. I started eating better and having certain things I wasdoing in order to change my eating habits. I wanted to work out again also, but hadnt focused my attention on it at that time.
My Master told me that I needed to start working out 30 minutes each day; but allowed me Tuesdays off. I have been doing the very minimum to get away with - and still obeying as I should. I havent been eating very well anymore and have just been squeaking by on exercise.
Whenever I think about why I am not doing better (this is not all of the reasoning why - but a large part for now) - I realize my mindset has changed. Before I was told to do it, I was gung-ho about my healthier eating. I did it for about 3 weeks before I was given direction from my Master to start exercising. Three weeks is a good foundation for changing my habits. Now, however, its like pulling teeth to get me drinking as much water as I wanted to, or not snacking at night.
I know I just have to force myself to do the right thing. This was just an observation of mine recently.
For instance: I need to lose weight. I know my self-esteem is lacking partly because of my weight and my lackadasical way of not doing anything about it. I started eating better and having certain things I wasdoing in order to change my eating habits. I wanted to work out again also, but hadnt focused my attention on it at that time.
My Master told me that I needed to start working out 30 minutes each day; but allowed me Tuesdays off. I have been doing the very minimum to get away with - and still obeying as I should. I havent been eating very well anymore and have just been squeaking by on exercise.
Whenever I think about why I am not doing better (this is not all of the reasoning why - but a large part for now) - I realize my mindset has changed. Before I was told to do it, I was gung-ho about my healthier eating. I did it for about 3 weeks before I was given direction from my Master to start exercising. Three weeks is a good foundation for changing my habits. Now, however, its like pulling teeth to get me drinking as much water as I wanted to, or not snacking at night.
I know I just have to force myself to do the right thing. This was just an observation of mine recently.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Preconceived Notions - Excited Jibber-Jabber
As I have said earlier, I am a person without much gray-area in my life. That means that I experience great highs. As part of those wow wow moments, I let out nervous energy constantly. I also jabber on and on about something I am really excited about and release some of the contained enthusiasm!
When I am in an excited mood and feel like jabbering, I dont feel I am being submissive in any way. I dont have that on my radar at all - no thoughts in that way whatsoever. That is something that I feel uncomfortable with - talking with my Master in an excited, jabbering way. I am not saying that I feel uncomfortable talking with him in general. I enjoy talking with him. (Of course lately, we havent been talking as much as I want, but I think that is because things are a little unsure, or uncertain at the moment. Master said he thought I was uncomfortable talking with him in general - I still think that is still going on a bit.)
Anyway - since I dont have any thoughts of D/s when I am talking about my excitement, I feel like I am not doing what I should be. Therefore, for now, I make it a point not to do my excited jabbering with my Master. I have another friend, who my Master also knows, that I express my excitement to. That way I am not keeping it bottled up too much, and am not being a bad submissive.
I have talked about this with my Master and he feels I am not being bad. However, I just havent been able to get over the feeling of not doing what I am supposed to - and therefore feeling like I am being disobedient.
I am not really sure what to do on this and for right now I havent really been doing anything about it. I have been concentrating on other things. When I have more information about what I am doing, or its becoming more of a problem, or anything else I will write more.
When I am in an excited mood and feel like jabbering, I dont feel I am being submissive in any way. I dont have that on my radar at all - no thoughts in that way whatsoever. That is something that I feel uncomfortable with - talking with my Master in an excited, jabbering way. I am not saying that I feel uncomfortable talking with him in general. I enjoy talking with him. (Of course lately, we havent been talking as much as I want, but I think that is because things are a little unsure, or uncertain at the moment. Master said he thought I was uncomfortable talking with him in general - I still think that is still going on a bit.)
Anyway - since I dont have any thoughts of D/s when I am talking about my excitement, I feel like I am not doing what I should be. Therefore, for now, I make it a point not to do my excited jabbering with my Master. I have another friend, who my Master also knows, that I express my excitement to. That way I am not keeping it bottled up too much, and am not being a bad submissive.
I have talked about this with my Master and he feels I am not being bad. However, I just havent been able to get over the feeling of not doing what I am supposed to - and therefore feeling like I am being disobedient.
I am not really sure what to do on this and for right now I havent really been doing anything about it. I have been concentrating on other things. When I have more information about what I am doing, or its becoming more of a problem, or anything else I will write more.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Preconceived Notions - Definition of a Slave
There are many preconceived notions that I had when entering the submissive contract. The one I will be talking about today is my definition of a slave.
Its hard for me to think of a slave as much at all. This has been one of the hardest things for me - to think of a slave as something substantial. I dont mean to offend anyone who might read this that is a slave/sub. These are just thoughts of mine while struggling with this facet of my relationship.
I was brought up to think of myself as a strong woman. I can handle anything - even if I really just dont think I can, or dont want to. I have an inner strength that helps me get through the rough times. I have struggled with many things from being a control freak (ish) :), to my faith, to a low self-esteem, and more, but have always been able to "rise to the occasion" sort of speak. My thoughts about this inner-strength has always centered around the fact that I can control myself and do or not do whatever I set my mind to.
As a slave, however, I have no decision making power, or rights to any type of control of any kind. This is an exact opposite of what I have always known. My Master has said that the act of submission is a strong thing to do. I can see where that would be for those who choose to live the lifestyle. However, I did not come into this relationship from that point of view. Maybe that is why it is more difficult for me?
I am the type of person who doesnt have much "gray area" in their life. Things are really great, or not great at all; I dont have much in between. That spills over into many things and how I view them. For this particular topic, I dont see how to play the part of a slave as someone who has some control (versus having none at all which is what my preconception is). That kind of goes against the all or nothing I am used to experiencing.
All I have been able to do lately, is just make myself stop thinking about stuff and just not let myself think. I am sure that makes my Master very happy since he doesnt like how much I think and analyze stuff. I will probably be talking about this again and let you know how it is going!
Its hard for me to think of a slave as much at all. This has been one of the hardest things for me - to think of a slave as something substantial. I dont mean to offend anyone who might read this that is a slave/sub. These are just thoughts of mine while struggling with this facet of my relationship.
I was brought up to think of myself as a strong woman. I can handle anything - even if I really just dont think I can, or dont want to. I have an inner strength that helps me get through the rough times. I have struggled with many things from being a control freak (ish) :), to my faith, to a low self-esteem, and more, but have always been able to "rise to the occasion" sort of speak. My thoughts about this inner-strength has always centered around the fact that I can control myself and do or not do whatever I set my mind to.
As a slave, however, I have no decision making power, or rights to any type of control of any kind. This is an exact opposite of what I have always known. My Master has said that the act of submission is a strong thing to do. I can see where that would be for those who choose to live the lifestyle. However, I did not come into this relationship from that point of view. Maybe that is why it is more difficult for me?
I am the type of person who doesnt have much "gray area" in their life. Things are really great, or not great at all; I dont have much in between. That spills over into many things and how I view them. For this particular topic, I dont see how to play the part of a slave as someone who has some control (versus having none at all which is what my preconception is). That kind of goes against the all or nothing I am used to experiencing.
All I have been able to do lately, is just make myself stop thinking about stuff and just not let myself think. I am sure that makes my Master very happy since he doesnt like how much I think and analyze stuff. I will probably be talking about this again and let you know how it is going!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
In the beginning...
Well, I thought I would take a few moments to explain the situation, then start my actual journal through this blog.
I have entered into a 3 month contract with someone to be his submissive (ends early April). Appropriately, He will be referred to as Master throughout this journey. I did so with open eyes, knowing what I was doing. This is very important to him and that is the underlying reason for me to do it.
I have entered into a 3 month contract with someone to be his submissive (ends early April). Appropriately, He will be referred to as Master throughout this journey. I did so with open eyes, knowing what I was doing. This is very important to him and that is the underlying reason for me to do it.
I have never thought of myself as a submissive person. I am the type of person that compromises and does what others suggest quite a bit, I also try to make sure everyone is happy. Another of my traits is to follow the rules, sometimes too much. While these are submissive activities, it never really made me think of myself in a submissive way. I have always just taken this as part of who I am.
This blog will be my thoughts and ideas during this time. I am having difficulties in many areas dealing with having to change myself to be a submissive person. I know many people go into these types of relationships wanting to be the role they are. For me, this is an exercise for my Master, and therefore the psychological aspect is much more of a challenge for me, versus the aspect of doing whatever I am told.
My Master has asked me to write in a journal every night. He indicated it is for him, not a personal journal. Since we are 3 states apart from each other, I am doing it in this fashion so that he has access to it all the times. This also allows him to share this blog with whomever he chooses.
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